"The Courage to Be Disliked: Reading Notes on the Philosophy Lessons of Adler, the 'Father of Self-Help'"

Author: Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake Koga
Recommended Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Introduction:

A young man deeply trapped in inferiority, incompetence, and unhappiness hears a philosopher's assertion that "the world is incredibly simple, and everyone can be happy," and decides to challenge it. The two engage in a back-and-forth of thoughts and debates, and as nights pass, the young man begins to ponder, why is "so-called freedom, being disliked by others"? The issue is not about what the world is like, but about what you are like.

For the first time, a book is presented in the form of dialogue, where various life topics encountered by the youth and the philosopher are derived from their conversations. These topics include happiness, love, character, and the exploration of life's meaning, with many viewpoints being unconventional and possibly hard to accept at first glance. The key concept of Adlerian psychology is courage; taking on freedom and responsibility requires fearless courage. Our hesitation and inability to change stem from a lack of courage to do so. Adler views many matters through a teleological lens rather than a causal one, suggesting that past pain is in the past, and future change requires forgetting that pain. One should not let past suffering prevent personal change; the goal is to change one’s life, as any experience itself is not the cause of success or failure.

The book also tells us that interpersonal relationships are a source of troubles. In relationships, many people live in others' worlds, with parents telling you what you can or cannot do, and you may become entangled for a long time over someone else's words, being overly concerned about others' opinions. If one could free themselves from interpersonal relationships, these issues would dissipate, but humans are social animals, and it is impossible to escape interpersonal relationships, so a proper mindset is necessary.

In the past and even now, I have been very concerned about others' opinions. If I say something wrong or am disliked, I would blame myself, wondering if it was because I did not do well, questioning why I am so inadequate. Do others really pay that much attention to you? Perhaps not. Adlerian psychology denies the pursuit of others' recognition, telling us that "it is not to meet others' expectations." There is no need to satisfy others' expectations; live for yourself.

Adler tells us to separate our own "life tasks" from those of others, not to interfere with others' tasks. Many parents, colleagues, and friends will say things like "I am doing this for your good," telling you what you should do and what you should not do, which is a typical manifestation of controlling desire. Even if someone dislikes you, that is not your task. This is something I have experienced before; someone said they did not like me, and I told them that I do not need everyone to like me. It is difficult for anyone to be liked by everyone.

Other insightful and thought-provoking viewpoints:
"Not fearing being disliked but moving forward courageously, not going with the flow but bravely forging ahead, this is freedom for a person."
The starting point of interpersonal relationships is "task separation," and the endpoint is "community feeling."
Opposing a reward-and-punishment style of education, developing horizontal relationships, and encouraging more.
"A person can only gain courage when they feel they have value."
Building a sense of community requires three points: "self-acceptance," "trust in others," and "contribution to others."**

Summary

Introduction#

Once a person grows up, they will be troubled by complex interpersonal relationships and bound by various responsibilities. Work, family, or social responsibilities, everything is.

Night One: Whose Fault is Our Misery?#

The young man has lacked confidence since childhood, harboring a strong sense of inferiority regarding his background, education, and even appearance. Perhaps because of this, he often cares too much about others' opinions; moreover, he cannot sincerely wish others happiness, often falling into a painful state of self-loathing.
If one only focuses on the past causes, attempting to explain things solely based on causes, they will fall into "determinism." In other words, one will ultimately conclude that our present and even future are entirely determined by past events and cannot be changed at all.
Adlerian psychology does not consider the "causes" of the past but rather the "purposes" of the present.
"Any experience itself is not the cause of success or failure. We do not suffer because of the stimuli in our experiences—so-called psychological trauma—but rather we find factors that align with our purposes from our experiences. What determines us is not past experiences but the meaning we assign to those experiences."
Life is not given by others but chosen by oneself; it is about how one chooses to live.
We are all living for some "purpose." This is teleology.
The first step to change is understanding.
Answers should not come from others but should be discovered by oneself. Answers obtained from others are merely symptomatic treatments and have no real value.
Attention should be focused on "how to utilize what is given."
A person can change at any time and in any environment. The reason you cannot change is that you have made a resolution of "not changing."
If you describe yourself as an unhappy person and say you want to change immediately, even wanting to become someone else, yet you still cannot change, why is that? It is because you are continuously making the resolution to not change your way of life.
The future is unpredictable, and life will be filled with uncertainty; there may even be more painful and unhappy lives awaiting you. In other words, even if people have various complaints, they still believe that maintaining the status quo is easier and more reassuring.
Adlerian psychology is the psychology of courage. Your unhappiness is not due to the past or the environment, nor is it due to a lack of ability; you simply lack "courage," which can be described as a lack of "the courage to attain happiness."
One must have the determination to "abandon the current way of life."
I have a young friend who dreams of becoming a novelist but can never produce any work. He says it is because he is too busy with work and has very little time to write novels, and he has never participated in any competitions. But is that really the case? In reality, he wants to preserve a possibility of "I could do it if I tried" by not entering competitions, unwilling to face the reality of being judged or rejected due to poor work. He only wants to live in the possibility of "I could write if I had the time, I could write if the environment was right, I have this talent." Perhaps in five or ten years, he will start using excuses like "I'm no longer young" or "I already have a family."
Adler's teleology states: "No matter what has happened in one's past, it does not affect how one lives their future." What determines one's life is the "you" living in the "here and now."

Night Two: All Troubles Come from Interpersonal Relationships#

To achieve the goal of not liking oneself, one only sees their flaws and not their strengths.
Lacking self-confidence, holding a pessimistic attitude towards everything; being too stubborn; being overly concerned about others' opinions, and always living in doubt about others; unable to live naturally, always feeling like they are acting. Many people have this kind of personality.
What I can do is first help them accept "themselves as they are now," regardless of the outcome, and first instill the courage to move forward. Adlerian psychology calls this "encouragement."
Why do you hate yourself? Why do you only focus on your flaws and refuse to like yourself? It is because you are too afraid of being disliked by others and fear being hurt in interpersonal relationships.
Human troubles all stem from interpersonal relationships.
Dealing with interpersonal relationships generates troubles; each person is an individual, and individuals have differences.
Feelings of inferiority come from subjective fabrication.
I almost daily think to myself: perhaps I have no value in living.
Is the inferiority that troubles us not an "objective fact" but a "subjective interpretation"?
We cannot change objective facts, but we can change subjective interpretations at will.
Value must be established on social significance.
Correspondingly, there is the feeling of inferiority. People are in a state of pursuing superiority, which is a "hope for progress," establishing certain ideals or goals and striving for them. At the same time, one will feel a sense of inferiority for not being able to achieve their ideals. For example, the more ambitious a chef is, the more they may feel "still not skilled enough" or "must create better dishes."
If handled properly, feelings of inferiority can also become a catalyst for effort and growth.
How to make up for one's shortcomings? The healthiest posture should be to want to compensate for the shortcomings through effort and growth, such as studying hard, practicing diligently, and working hard. However, those without such courage will fall into an inferiority complex. Taking the previous example, one might think, "I cannot succeed because of my low education," and further imply their ability by saying, "If I had a higher education, I would easily succeed." This means "I am currently just buried by the factor of low education; the 'real me' is actually very excellent."
For example, those who boast of being powerful—whether as team leaders or well-known figures—are actually trying to show that they are a special existence. Falsifying resumes or excessively pursuing brand-name clothing also belong to a kind of power display and superiority complex. These situations all indicate that "I" am not originally excellent or special. By combining "I" with power, it seems that "I" am excellent. This is what is called "false superiority."
Those who want to take pride in their achievements, those who are obsessed with past glories and only talk about their past achievements, you may have such people around you. These can all be referred to as superiority complexes.
Arrogance is another manifestation of inferiority.
The so-called "pursuit of superiority" means moving forward continuously, not being superior to others.
Do not compete with anyone; just keep moving forward yourself. Of course, there is no need to compare yourself with others.
If that competitor can be considered a "partner," it may be beneficial for self-study. But in most cases, competitors cannot become partners.
Do others really pay that much attention to you? Do they monitor you 24 hours a day, looking for opportunities to attack you? Probably not.
"Unable to sincerely wish others happiness" is because one considers interpersonal relationships from a competitive perspective, viewing others' happiness as "my failure," thus unable to give blessings.
Do not fall for any provocations.
Once interpersonal relationships develop to the stage of revenge, reconciliation between the parties involved becomes nearly impossible.
Admitting mistakes does not mean you have failed.
I am right, which means the other party is wrong. Once you think this way, the focus of the debate shifts from "the correctness of the claim" to "the manner of interpersonal relationships." In other words, the belief that "I am right" implies the insistence that "the other party is wrong," which ultimately evolves into a struggle of "therefore I must win."
Admitting mistakes, apologizing, and withdrawing from power struggles are not "failures." The pursuit of superiority is not achieved through competition with others.
The goals in behavior have the following two points:
① Independence.
② Harmonious coexistence with society.
Moreover, the psychological goals supporting this behavior also have the following two points:
① Awareness of "I am capable."
② Awareness that "everyone is my partner."
The number of friends or acquaintances has no value. This is a topic related to the theme of love; what we should consider is the distance and depth of relationships.
The closer the distance, the deeper the relationship.
If the other party is happy, then being able to sincerely wish them well is love. When a person can feel "I can be free with this person," they can experience love. There should be no feelings of inferiority or need to flaunt superiority, maintaining a calm and natural state. True love should be like this.

Night Three: Let Those Who Interfere with Your Life Go to Hell#

We actually struggle to live amidst various "constraints"—having to interact with people we dislike, having to endure the faces of unpleasant bosses, etc.
Adlerian psychology denies the pursuit of others' recognition.
Only by receiving others' recognition can we feel "we have value." Through others' recognition, we can eliminate feelings of inferiority and increase self-confidence.
Only by receiving others' recognition can we feel "we have value." Through others' recognition, we can eliminate feelings of inferiority and increase self-confidence.
We all feel that we must gain others' recognition to have value!
Under a reward-and-punishment education system, a false lifestyle emerges: "If no one praises me, I won't do good deeds," or "If no one punishes me, I will do bad things." The hope of gaining praise is the purpose behind picking up trash. Moreover, if one cannot receive any praise, they will feel indignant or resolve never to do such things again. Clearly, this is an abnormal way of thinking.
We "do not live to meet others' expectations."
You do not live to meet others' expectations, and I do not live to meet others' expectations. We do not need to satisfy others' expectations.
"If you do not live your life for yourself, then who will live for you?" You are living in your own life. If you say you live for someone, it is certainly for yourself. If you do not live for yourself, then who will live for you? In the end, we still live for ourselves. There is no reason not to think this way.
Even if God does not exist, even if one cannot gain God's recognition, we must still live our own lives.
Separate your own "life tasks" from those of others.
All interpersonal relationship conflicts arise from interfering with others' tasks or having one's own tasks interfered with by others. As long as task separation can be achieved, interpersonal relationships will undergo tremendous changes.
Parents in the world always say things like "I am thinking of you." However, sometimes parents' actions are clearly to satisfy their own purposes—face and vanity or controlling desire.
Parents troubled by their relationships with their children often easily believe: the child is my life. In short, they view the child's tasks as their own, always considering the child, and when they realize it, they have already lost themselves.
Others do not live to meet your expectations.
This distress stems from interpersonal relationships—first, please clarify the boundary of "this is not my task"; then, please let go of others' tasks. This is the first step to lighten life's burdens and make it simpler.
To build good interpersonal relationships, a certain distance must also be maintained. If the distance is too close, sticking together, one cannot have a proper conversation with the other party.
If there is a "reciprocity mentality" in interpersonal relationships, it will generate thoughts like "because I did this for you, you should give me a corresponding return."
Living to satisfy others' expectations and entrusting one's life to others is a way of lying to oneself and continuously lying to those around them.
Task separation is not self-centered; on the contrary, interfering with others' tasks is a self-centered idea. Parents forcing children to study or even dictating their life plans or marriage partners are all self-centered thoughts.
Living in a way that pleases everyone is an extremely unfree way of life and also an impossible task.
If you want to exercise freedom, you must pay a price. And in interpersonal relationships, the price of freedom is being disliked by others.
Even if someone dislikes you, that is not your task. Moreover, thoughts like "I should be liked" or "It is strange that I am not liked even after trying so hard" are also a kind of return-style thinking that interferes with the other party's tasks.
Not fearing being disliked but moving forward courageously, not going with the flow but bravely forging ahead, this is freedom for a person.

Night Four: Have the Courage to Be Disliked#

Community feeling?
Transforming self-interest into concern for others.
In reality, those who cannot perform "task separation" and are overly fixated on the desire for recognition are also extremely self-centered individuals.
Living in a way that overly cares about "what others think" is precisely a self-centered way of life that only cares about "me."
A sense of belonging is not something one is born with; it must be obtained through one's own efforts.
The starting point of interpersonal relationships is "task separation," and the endpoint is "community feeling."
Neither criticism nor praise is allowed; this is the stance of Adlerian psychology.
The purpose of a person praising others is to "manipulate those who are less capable than themselves," with neither gratitude nor respect involved.
Neither praise nor criticism. Adlerian psychology refers to this kind of assistance based on horizontal relationships as "encouragement."
People fear facing tasks not because they lack ability. Adlerian psychology believes this is not an ability issue but purely a "lack of the courage to face tasks." If this is the case, then one should first regain the courage that has been frustrated.
Use "thank you" to express gratitude to partners who help you, or use phrases like "I am very happy" to convey your genuine joy, and use "you helped a lot" to express thanks. This is the encouragement method based on horizontal relationships.
How can one gain "courage"? Adler's insight is: a person can only gain courage when they feel they have value.
You are currently viewing others through the "behavior" standard, which is the dimension of "what that person has done." Indeed, according to this standard, an elderly person who is bedridden can only rely on others for care, and it seems they are of no use. Therefore, please do not use the "behavior" standard but rather the "existence" standard to view others; do not judge based on what others "have done," but rather express joy and gratitude for their very existence.
When we look at others, we often first arbitrarily fabricate an "ideal image for ourselves," and then evaluate it as if doing subtraction.
For example, think about the situation in a company. In a company, it is practically impossible for the president and a newcomer to form an equal relationship, right? In our society, the hierarchical relationship is a system, and ignoring this is to ignore social order. A newcomer around 20 years old cannot possibly speak to the president as they would to a friend, right?

Night Five: A Serious Life "Live in the Moment"#

It is not about affirming oneself but accepting oneself.
Transform self-interest into concern for others, establishing a sense of community. This requires starting from the following three points: "self-acceptance," "trust in others," and "contribution to others."
Self-affirmation is to suggest to oneself "I can do it" or "I am strong" even when one cannot, which can lead to a superiority complex; it is a way of lying to oneself. On the other hand, self-acceptance means honestly accepting the "self that cannot do it" if one cannot, and then striving towards what can be done without lying to oneself.
Affirmative optimism? The term optimism itself contains the meaning of "seeing clearly." Seeing the truth of things is "optimism." This is not pessimism.
Young man: What does trust refer to here? Philosopher: Trusting others without any conditions. Even without objective evidence sufficient to constitute trust, one still believes, without considering collateral or similar matters, unconditionally believing. This is trust.
Adlerian psychology does not advocate "unconditionally trusting others" based on moral values. Unconditional trust is a "means" to improve interpersonal relationships and build horizontal relationships. If you do not want to improve your relationship with that person, you can completely cut off the relationship with the scissors in your hand, as cutting off the relationship is your own task.
The essence of work is contribution to others.
Influencing and contributing to others as partners is what is meant by contribution to others.
If this contribution is "for others," it will inevitably be a painful self-sacrifice. On the other hand, if this contribution is "for oneself," it is a complete hypocrisy. This point must be clarified.
We should not think about what others have done for us, but rather what we can do for others, and actively practice it. As long as one possesses this spirit of contribution, the reality before them will take on a completely different hue.
If one is happily humming a song while washing dishes, children may come over to help or at least create an atmosphere conducive to helping.
There is a saying in Jewish doctrine: "If there are 10 people, there will inevitably be 1 person who will criticize you no matter what happens. He dislikes you, and you do not like him either. Moreover, among the 10 people, there will be 2 who can become good friends who accept everything about each other. The remaining 7 will be neither." In such a case, do you focus on the person who dislikes you? Or do you focus on the 2 people who really like you? Or do you focus on the other 7 who are the majority? Those lacking harmony in life will only focus on the person who dislikes them to judge the "world."
Unsuccessful interpersonal relationships are neither due to stuttering nor due to fear of blushing; the real problem lies in the inability to achieve self-acceptance, trust in others, and contribution to others, while focusing on trivial aspects and attempting to evaluate the entire world based on that. This is an erroneous way of living that lacks harmony in life.
"Because I am busy with work, I have no time to care for my family." However, this is actually a lie about life. It is merely using work as an excuse to evade other responsibilities. Household chores, parenting, friendships, or hobbies should all be given attention; Adler does not endorse any lifestyle that emphasizes one aspect.
"Work" does not merely refer to working in a company. Work at home, parenting, contributions to the local community, hobbies, etc., all constitute "work"; companies are just a small part of it. Only considering work in a company is a way of living that lacks harmony in life.
A person can only feel their value when they can sense "I am useful to others." However, this contribution can also be realized in invisible forms. As long as there is a subjective feeling of "being useful to others," that is, a "sense of contribution," it can be achieved. Moreover, the philosopher also concluded that happiness is "the sense of contribution." Indeed, this is one aspect of the truth.
When the desire to be particularly excellent cannot be realized—such as when progress in study or sports is not smooth—one may turn to "hoping to be particularly poor."
Rejecting the ordinary you may mean misunderstanding "ordinary" as "incompetent." Ordinary does not equal incompetent; we do not need to deliberately flaunt our superiority.
"Viewing the process itself as a result," dancing is like this, and traveling is the same.
The moment you step out of the house, "the journey" has already begun; every moment on the way to the destination is part of the journey. Of course, even if you cannot reach the pyramid for some reason, that does not mean there was no journey. This is a realistic life.
If the purpose of climbing a mountain is not to reach the summit but to climb the mountain itself, then it can be said to be a realistic activity. Ultimately, whether or not one can reach the summit does not matter.
It is okay not to have a goal. Living well "in the moment" itself is dancing. Do not make life too profound. Please do not confuse seriousness with profundity.
If you live each moment seriously, there is no need to make it overly profound.
Because of this, when we encounter difficulties, we should look forward and think more about "what can be done in the future?"
There is no universal meaning. However, you can assign meaning to such a life, and only you can give your life meaning.
Just as travelers rely on the North Star to travel, our lives also need a "guiding star." This is an important point in Adlerian psychology. This grand ideal is: as long as you do not lose this pointer, as long as you move in this direction, you can attain happiness.
As long as you have the star of contribution to others in your heart, happiness will surely accompany you, and friends will be by your side!
We should live each moment of "the here and now" as seriously as dancing, neither looking at the past nor the future, just living well each concluding moment. There is no need to compete with anyone, nor is there a need for a destination; as long as you dance, you will surely reach somewhere.